1 year, 8 boys and an opened book.

I have kissed a lot of frogs in my past but this year I took it one step further. I dated a lot of frogs instead.

Now pre-university, I dated a uniboy. What did he teach me? That you want something when it is gone, that you can completely grow apart from someone and that he was actually a complete sweetheart and I was an idiot. Simples.

A boy asked me out at university and I learnt to trust your own gut and not your friends. My friend at the time, she actually wasn’t the nicest, said he was too short. She was wrong and I regretted not giving it a go a fair bit.

But it was this past year where I jumped head first past commitment issues into the dating pool. It was educational to say the least.

1)    Undefinableboy: I still don’t understand how or why we ever ended up starting, or what we even were. Drunken hook up after drunken hook up. Late night phone call after late night phone call. The real issue was that I developed feelings and he didn’t. What it taught me is that two people can have a completely different concept of exactly the same event. It also taught me that someone has to be mentally sound in an undefined relationship.

2)    Oldboy: He was a family friend: good start. We had hooked up before with amazing chemistry: very good start. He was 35: hold up there. This at first was not a problem but soon came the realisation that age can be an issue. In this case we are now friends and likely to one day hook up if neither of us have kids when I’m 35 and he is 50. Works well enough.

3)    Wildboy: Now he was sexy, attractive and adventurous. He was actually a breath of fresh air against graduates and the like. He had a PhD, he had been in a Thai prison, he had a tattoo on a certain bodypart. The problem is he was wild, exciting and only really suitable for the short-term. Not the husband material if you get what I mean.

4)    180flipboy: Oh wow. Now he was the long-term husband material boy, until he did a 180 degree shift on me. Queue: lets be in a relationship (me: only open), lets get you to spend 100s of pounds calling from Uganda, lets talk about how much I love you, how you are the best girl I have ever dated etc etc etc: bullshit. So he broke up with me while I was in a stormy taxi in Uganda. Chicken squawking one side, baby screaming on the other, me with tears pouring down my cheeks in the middle. It was not the best moment. It got even worse when he broke up with his new girlfriend and came crawling back a sex-obsessed arse hole (queue majorly off-putting for most girls out there, majorly majorly off-putting for Christian girls out there).

5)    Then came Charityboy. Tall, dark, handsome and now married. He was, for both of us, the most confusing element of relationships. He inspired me, his passion for charity was sexy as hell and I felt like I was drawn to him whenever I saw him. When I found out about the girlfriend that all came shattering down and I guess it was his charity work and what he taught me about it that made me really fall for him. So that taught me that you have to decipher what makes you mad about someone – them or what they do.

6)    Lovedhimsomuchboy. It actually hurts to type his name. He was the first boy I loved, the first to break my heart, but worst of all the first to make me completely change all my spots. He had a girlfriend. It was a one-time thing and then a month later erupted. He would say he loved me so much, he’d do anything for me in the world. The moment I left the country he went straight back to her and my phone came full of death threats and declarations that I was mad and imagined the whole thing. So what did that teach me. Love is not nice, simple or understandable. It is painful, it is mean and it hurts like hell when it is yanked away from you, but it is still worth every minute (bar becoming the other woman skank).

7)    FWBboy was an amazing discovery to add to the list. He became a good friend beyond anything. He was there when I needed him and actually made me feel worth more than a hole. So I can just keep it simple. Sometimes you will get on with someone really well. Sometimes that same person is ok to kiss, to hug, to cuddle, to do many things. But maybe that person isn’t relationship material. I don’t know if that is timing, not being emotionally available or just life, but all I know is he was exactly what I needed at that precise moment, and I am so grateful for his existence in my life.

8)    Unexpectedboy. One night with a friend and we swung open an unwritten book. We will have to see what happens with this one, but I guess surprises come and go.

Now this chorus of boys might leave something to be answered. Where now? I have two possible options. The sensible choice and the not so sensible choice, as well as various of the above reemerging. But one thing can be said for certain – I have learnt a lot this year. A hell of a lot, about myself, about men and about dating. 

I now want a relationship (I think) – casual and open didn’t do it for me in the end (tonight anyway). I now want to be respected, to be loved, to be adored (definitely). I now want to have someone texting me at night, to be holding my hand during the day . But most of all I now have loved for the first time, fell for a friend for the first time, and well yeh there were a lot of firsts.

So what has this got to do with God and Christianity. Well because God gave me what I have been asking for. I prayed to be loved and I was, but beyond that he gave me more than I could have ever dreamed. He allowed me to experience, learn and mess up by myself - just like a Father would. So thank you God. 

** A certain friend has been left out of this list because his book is opened, closed and remains completely unanswered. I hope one day to decipher what and who he will become in my life. Right now he is something very special with his own category personalised just for him, and that is someone I am very grateful for. 

(Trigger warning) Gender stereotypes, social rape and the He4She campaign

No person deserves to be punished against a gender stereotype. No child deserves to be hit for not conforming to a life of blue or pink. No woman deserves to be raped because she is a lesbian. No man deserves to be disfigured because he is gay. No celebrity deserves to be hounded by paparazzi because he is transgender.

God created each and every one of us in our special way. Each and every person is different. Yes, there is a reason behind different sexes - sexual reproduction. But sex is not gender, far from it. 


Gender is the social norm which surrounds the accepted behaviours and in turn hierarchy which exists in our and many other societies. That's it - a social norm.


I am not talking sex. Sex is the biological differences between men and women. Yes a woman can bear a child, feed a baby, has different hormones. Men grow beards, muscles, broader shoulders. In turn these biological differences come to play a large role in the gendered norms we have constructed.


The woman as a mother and the father as a protector. But these social norms were not constructed to be a level of comparison, a level which if you fail to reach it you will be punished. They were invented to allow our society to exist, to allow our population to grow, to ensure that the world continues to have enough people on it to survive. 

We are now at a level where our world has many people of different shapes and sizes to survive. We even live in a world where there are robots and computers which are able to do many of the tasks which humans used to be able to complete. 

These machines are the reason that many women can now go to work. Before the washing machine, the dishwasher, the electric iron - ie before the 1950s - the western house wife was a figure for a reason. She relied on her domestic prowess and her beauty to find a husband who could support her and her children. That was part of the package, that was part of the social hierarchy. 

But around the world, right now, people do not have washing machines or electric irons. Some people don't have fridges, or electricity at all. In these places many women look after a home, raise the children, and well work. They work to have independence, to send their children to school, to eat, to survive.

But all over the world there is still a hierarchy between men and women, a gender stereotype, a social norm. 

This is both ways. One of my greatest annoyances is when you hear of young men committing suicide because they do not reach up to the epitome of masculinity. All men deserve to be able to cry. They too have emotions. When you hear of men taking too many steroids to live up to the ideal of masculine muscle, the triangle. When you hear of a man abusing a woman, or hurting someone or something, to show he is a 'real man'. 


In the same way I have come to believe that one of many reasons behind the rape culture in the UK is the worrying trend of 'us' and 'them' which has become part of the feminist discourse. The way that masculinities are challenged and men are painted as an enemy. This backlash has as much to blame on women, as it does to do on men. It is not to blame on a particular grouping of us and them, but a total social hierarchy. 

In ways I believe in it is the ability to remove oneself from their own body. Many rapists, social rapists should we call them, the ones that get drunk at university and force themselves on a girl when she says no; or the husbands that believe that having sex with their wife is a right. Many of these social rapists would not accept that they are rapists. If you asked one of these men if he was willing to ruin a woman's life by forcing her to have sex with him against her will, he would probably say no. Yet he has done it anyway. 

Rape is a very, very common problem in the UK, and all over the world. But why is this? Why is it no longer those of criminal mind that believe they have power over another human being? That is what rape is often associated with: power play. 

I am not saying that rape is at all one way either. Men get raped, by men, or by women. Women get raped, by men, or other women. So why is there a backlash where sexual gratification against another's will is a common theme in many young people's lives? Because it is - however much we, society and the government, try to ignore it. 

Who can blame us? How does one sit there and admit that society has created, and maybe it always has, people who will force themselves upon others whatever the consequence?

For a rapist, a rape can last a few minuites, a few hours. They can walk away, gratified. For a victim it can take a lifetime. 

I have many theories to as why rape is so common, but one, which might be truly controversial is that rape is a backlash against gender stereotypes and those gender stereotypes becoming challenged by societal development. 

Now I don't know if this is true but could rape by a man over a woman or another man be a way to prove ones masculinity, if a man feels that it is being diminished by the feminist movement or by women beating him at work for example? Is rape of a man, or another woman, by a woman, due to a woman needing to feel power, to show that she is able to live up to this new position? Even though a house wife, raising a family, is in no way a lower position than a career. 

What it can show is a lack of social confidence which is becoming widespread. I am sure that many people would accept that rape and respect for other human beings, don't go hand in hand with happiness, confidence and love for other beings. What is to stop rape progressing to crimes which are still uncommon (in a way), like murder?

This is why I believe that the new He4She campaign is important. It is essential that we break down any us and them in the fight for gender equality and also the fight against abuse and rape. It is essential to acknowledge that men are raped, men are victimised. It is essential to not label women as the victims and men as the persecutors. It is essential to establish a support network for all victims. It is essential to provide an educational system which teaches rights, responsibilities and respect for every person on this planet. It is essential to stop a cycle in which people need to show power and supremacy by hurting, punishing and in turn psychologically murdering others. 

In time I want to join this movement. I want to found my own movement to introduce these classes and this love and respect to children all over the planet. Boys4Girls and Girls4Boys if you will. There was a reason for gender stereotypes - that cannot be denied - and there still is - but that was not to label us and them, but to work in cohesion, together, for a greater good, a greater world, a greater, and loving, society. That need has not gone, in ways it is more important than ever. 

I got my heart broken and learnt about God

It might sound odd to say that I have learnt more about being a Christian in the past few weeks than I thought possible. That isn’t because I have read the bible – to be perfectly honest I haven’t – and it isn’t because I have prayed a lot – I also haven’t. But it’s because for the first time I have had time to fall for someone, got my heart broken and let myself feel it.

That might sound ridiculous but I think I am the type of person who just turns emotion off and builds up walls, but this gap year was partly to allow myself time to actually feel. Feel all those things that I didn’t think I have had time for and boy does it hurt.

Heartbreak is the most agonising thing I could have imagined. It is worse than a dislocated shoulder, a dislocated knee, concussion; it is something that actually physically, emotionally and mentally tears you apart. You feel like you are going to cry at any moment. Just break into a million pieces. Heartbreak is not something I ever really want to experience again, but in a way I do.

So what has having my heart broken taught me about God? This. The heart is the most powerful force in our bodies. Yes our brains can think, but you can think and plan with no success if you have no passion for it. Your heart allows you to feel, love and actually have the power to do something. Women and men have been known to lift cars for the love of a child. That is no small amount of power.

Therefore why do people think that they can quote bible verses, psalms and philosophers and that will ‘convert’ people? That will show they are the ‘best’ Christian? Yes the bible is an amazing resource and one which teaches you so much about God. But those stories you read, they are done by a living, breathing person whose heart beat. Their heart beat just like you and me. The Pharisees used verses, they used rules and they used logic, but the people celebrated in the bible – the disciples, the prostitutes, the people brought back from being blind/dead/lame. They believed and trusted in their heart. Surely that is meant to be telling us something.

The other night I was walking home from a night out. It was cold, it was pitch black and it had been a very long day. I was in tears and feeling pretty shitty about everything. I had hurt a friend, hurt myself and gone against everything I believe in. So in this rather depressed state, I was also scared. It was dark, cold and deserted. I just said “God help me”. Suddenly I didn’t feel cold, I didn’t feel alone and it didn’t seem so dark. I felt like someone was hugging me. Whether that sounds ridiculous to you is fine, but at that moment there was no part of me that had followed God’s rules. No part of me which had any bible verse to quote at him. The only thing left for him was my heart and it wasn’t a happy one.

So what I have learnt about God recently is that your heart is what he wants.  Your heart is the most powerful part of your body, it is the organ that makes stuff happens. It is the organ which can cause physical pain. So if you are a Christian who sits there quoting verses and judging your neighbour, fine, well done on knowing the bible and trusting in the word. But do you really feel it, really love the God so much that your body radiates it, do you really love that neighbour? Not because you are told to love them, not because you want to “save their soul” or change them so “they don’t go to hell”. Do you love them for who they are, love them because your heart loves them not your brain or your religious scales, love them like Jesus would love them? Because at the end of the day that is your aim. Not ticking off the Christian to do list but to be like him, to love like him. 

Falcon Camp: Girls, Gifts and God's presence.

SO I HAVE JUST GOT BACK FROM ONE OF THE MOST WORTHWHILE WEEKS OF MY LIFE. FALCON CAMP. IN SIMPLE WORDS THIS IS 7 DAYS WITH 19 CHILDREN DOING ACTIVITIES SUCH AS GOING TO THE ZOO, CINEMA, SWIMMING AND CRAFTS.

I could say that between trying to pull a girl from whacking her head on a radiator at night or pulling apart a fight; being told you suck at pretty much everything or that you should invest in some make up; trying to survive on 5 hours sleep or trying to do synchronised swimming/piggy in the middle/teaching a girl to swim at the same time, would make it one of the worst and most tiring weeks ever. But that would be a total lie.

Yes it was one of the most tiring weeks of my life, but it was also one of the best. The same girl that was whacking her head, also confided a lot in me. She got so much out of her system. The girl who got in the fight came back to God that week. The girl who told me to invest in make-up, hugged and thanked me two days later. The boy who told me I sucked at everything told me also informed me that I was a lot of fun at the end of the week. These kids were actually incredible and really deserving of every ounce of attention they got.

You also learnt so much about the different skills God has blessed us with. Take the children. One didn’t know how to swim but was willing to try and got it so quickly. Another was so brave and had the best laugh I have ever heard. Another girl was so caring, a boy would smile at anything, and another was a great cricketer.

Then take the leaders. You have those amazing at sport. Those good at drama. Those willing to really make an absolute idiot of themselves. Those who are the nicest people you will ever meet, then again that was everyone.

So what I am trying to say is that God blessed me last week with reminding me how amazing he is. What an incredible creator he is.

But most of all he blessed me by being there. If God hadn’t decided to give me patience or the imagination to come up with the most random bedtime stories each night I would have been totally screwed. If he hadn’t given me the right words to say to crying teenage girls then I would have been totally useless. If he hadn’t given me the endurance to go from one child’s problem to the next then I would have felt like I was failing both the children and him. Instead God stood by me through every moment and was there to comfort me at the end of the day. Most of all he blessed me with an incredible fellow team – leaders who could give advice and most of all leaders who could give me a hug.

So next year find a camp near you, because even when you get beaten in an arm wrestle by a 12 year old, their smile and sense of self-achievement makes it worth it. 

Realising the Big G is everywhere.

Do you ever feel like you have found something perfect? Somewhere perfect, even.

Somewhere where you fit in. Somewhere where people listen to your view. Somewhere where you make friends for life within just a few months. Somewhere you couldn’t imagine leaving.

This was Kingsgate for me. To date it must be my favourite church I have ever stepped into. It is fun. It is lively. It is ambitious. Three things you want to see in a church.

This is not to say that I have not been blessed with a lot of amazing churches. St Marys in Leamington was the church I was born into. It was an incredible place to spend my six youngest years. I then moved to St Marks which I finally felt part of when I reached thirteen. It was somewhere to escape to and somewhere which allowed me to push the boundaries of my faith. When I moved to Cambridge, HT became the church I could most call home. Their womens afternoons were amazing. The student workers were incredible, not to mention the students. The students were there for me when during second year life got really tough. They were there so much that it really touched me.

But it was only when I got to Kingsgate I felt like I had found home. Partly I think it was because it was so much smaller. It was easy to get stuck in. It was easy to do things. It was easy to dream. But most of all I think it was because God was so alive. People spoke in tongues, people were healed, people had prophecies. These were things which hadn’t seemed possible before but at Kingsgate they were open to all.

The point of this column is not I LOVE KINGSGATE, but how we can start to rely on a certain place. I had started to rely on Kingsgate to make me feel alive. You couldn’t help but want more. You couldn’t help but be inspired.

It was two weeks ago that I realised this. I was at a planning meeting for Falcon camp and I could just feel God there. It was like he was watching over us and saying YEHHHHH BUDDY. That night I was at St Marks and suddenly thought YES. The feeling was back.

While we can feel like we can only get this incredible feeling from being with a certain group of people, a certain place – that isn’t true. Yes people can inspire you, people can challenge you, but that feeling – or that power – that is God.

God is everywhere and if like me you are currently moving home or moving town – I think that is something very important to hold on to.

So to all the people I have come across over the years – at Kingsgate, at HT, at St Marys, at St Marks – THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALL. Not as much as the Big G but you know what I mean ;) 

What it feels like to run away from God - according to Passenger.

So this blog is based on ‘Let her Go’ by Passenger. It is about deciding to leave God, the times I have been away and why it always feels better when you go back.

At Life Group on Tuesday I used an example of being a child on one of those baby reigns. You keep running away and then getting pulled back. Only when you’re back and picked up by your Mum do you realise what you were missing. The hug feels so good. As you grow up you realise that when you were pulled back was because you were going towards dangerous things – the road, the sea, some crazy dog.

I think that is what it is like with God. We want to try new things, we want to explore the world and he pulls us back, and as we grow in him we start to understand why.

The first verse of ‘Let it Go’ is:

Well, you only need the light when it's burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.

When everything is going great and life feels like a constant sunny day, then we don’t seem to rely on God as much. We don’t seem to need him as such. It is only when things start going wrong that you realise you have shut him out, that he isn’t there. To be honest, even when you know things are going wrong but there are other ways to go you can often ignore it too.

Take my fresher’s Lent term, I totally rebelled against pretty much everything he stood for. Not intentionally: I was rebounding and then I was trying to forget something. The thing is the only person I really hurt was myself, and the people who were around me. I gave an impression of someone who was totally not me. When I went to church that Easter I couldn’t sing, it just didn’t feel right. I hadn’t even realised but I had taken that baby reign and thrown it out. I was a child running right into that fast traffic and not realising. When I look back now and I realise how much easier that time would have been with God. Yes he can disapprove of some things but he is also great.

I think that I could write forever on how great it is to find your way back, how great it is to have God again, but that isn’t really the point. The thing is that yes that time I went running off, but other times we wander. I wander pretty much every day. Whether it is not helping the homeless man on the street, getting stressy at the person in front of me in the Sainsburys queue or saying something I shouldn’t have, I am challenging God. I am challenging him when I look in the mirror for too long, when I think how cute the guy in front of me is, or I spend time procrastinating on Facebook. All these things are wanders but they are just easier to come back from. Which is good because the feeling when I couldn’t sing that day was the worst feeling I have ever had, and not one I would ever want to repeat.

And if you are still wondering why to bother coming back – take this verse of ‘Staring at the Stars’:

“And all our girlfriends are long gone
We watch too much internet porn
Who needs love
When you've got silicone and strap ons”

I never want to be the person watching the imitation, or accepting the fake love out there, I want the real thing. However many times I wander off and have to find my way back. Loves and hugs xx

Doing midnight worship might not only annoy the neighbours, it also hurts my brain ...

So tonight was amazing, when I finally made it back to college after a very diverted walk home, it was making it on for midnight, which is far past my exam-term bed time. But I thought I would do some work, which quickly turned to worship, and the discovery of this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vhso5lB0h6E

So when you decide worship is more important than sleep, a lot of things seem to happen, but I am pretty sure some of them weren’t meant just for me.

So after a rather intense few hours of writing, praying and God answering a prayer right in front of my eyes (come on), he directed me to three bible verses. Two of which really linked to some of the things I was discussing with people about last night. So, as they seem to explain stuff to me and convince me of quite a few things, I thought it might be good to share them.  

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Firstly (well it was the second one but you get me): Thessalonians 1: 2-10.

From verse 3: “We continually recall before God our father the things you have done because of your faith and the work you have done because of your love. And we thank him that you continue to be strong because of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Brother and sisters, God loves you, and we know he has chosen you, because the Good News we brought to you came not only with words, but with power, with the Holy Spirit and with sure knowledge that it is true. Also you know how we lived when we were with you in order to help you. And you became like us and like the Lord. You suffered much, but still you accepted the teaching with the joy that comes from the Holy Spirit. So you became an example to all the believers..”

I think this is now one of my favourite chapters in the bible. I think it is really powerful for all growing Christians, not only for me, but I can see bits relevant to so many of the people (including myself) I have spoken to tonight.

So I focused in on four particular sections:

Firstly I think that when you see someone remain strong in Christ it is really inspiring, it also what we aspire to do. It is so hard to put God above all our pain and stress at big things, or other little things like exam term, but if we can trust and remain in God then life is so much better and we can strive to do so much more.  

Secondly, I must have spent hours talking to a really amazing girl yesterday about how we were both searching for love in Christ. You can have so much love from him but sometimes something is missing, and we were speculating what that was. Now the rest of that conversation will stay private but a reminder that he loves you is never a bad thing for either of us, or any of you, because hey he does love every one of us like crazy.

Thirdly, the power of the Holy Spirit is absolutely amazing. Last night he was working like crazy in the service and in the prayer, it was absolutely insane to watch. I don’t know if many of you have been asked “how do you know it is all true?” and I think this can tell us why. It is true because we can feel the Holy Spirit in it, and we can just pray that other people can feel that too.

Finally, a lot of people I know at church have suffered a lot, yet they look so happy while worshipping, which is really cool. So whether the suffering is really big things, or just quite small problems that crop up, finding the Holy Spirit is a sure way to bring a smile to your face and strength to your heart. It is also what we hope can come to those of our friends who are really struggling right now in situations far out of our depth, so this felt like a pretty cool direction for prayer.

So that verse provided me with a lot of comfort, but I also think it can provide a lot of comfort and inspiration for a lot of us out there.

And finally: Philippians: 3: 13-21:

“I do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it and to make it mine. … there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining towards what is ahead. I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me through Christ to the life above. All of us who are spiritually mature should think this way too. And if there are things you do not agree with, God will make them clear to you. But we should continue following the truth we already have. … But our homeland is heaven, and we are waiting for our Saviour..”  

Now in the service today I realised the importance of living in the present, and to try and stop dreaming about plans God may have for me. But this has reminded me to also stop living in the past. As well as being a dreamer, I am also a massive hoarder, so that is pretty good advice.

It is also really hard in our lives to forget human desires and truly focus on living to get to heaven. However much we want to do this, there will always be those temptations surrounding us. This was another topic of conversation tonight and this is truly a verse which just reminds us why this is so important. It also says God will explain why certain things are so important, so whatever the things that are troubling us that is really comforting.

I also think, as linked to the last blog, this is just a reminder that even the spiritually mature are still not perfect. Everyone is on a long journey to heaven and they will have good days, and bad days with God.

While talking about this yesterday, I used an analogy to try and explain my rather jumbled brain. I am not sure if it is spiritually accurate, and I do believe in unity with Christian friends but: If you were in a relationship with a boy, and someone sat in on every date it wouldn’t be okay. If that person then continued to analyse every part of your relationship and to tell you what you were doing right or wrong, that wouldn’t be cool. So why do we think it is with God? Yes we can provide advice but our relationship with God is private and unique (hence the very small proportion shared in this), and not to be compared with others.

Now I am almost certain that this verse wasn't meant for me alone, and I am also pretty sure that the sections I took from it aren’t exactly what suits to others. So I really hope someone out there has got something else from this.  

Finally (really finally), I think that it is really important to look outside Christian-specific stuff for inspiration, and this song came up in a totally non-Christian natter yesterday, but then I realised it is actually a REALLY COOL COMING TO GOD SONG. I am sorry if I have missed an inappropriate lyric somewhere but I think it is AWESOME, I also love Rudimental so that probably helps:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M97vR2V4vTs

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So last night’s worship session was beyond intense and some prayer to understand and follow the other stuff he threw would be amazing, but I hope that I was right in thinking that maybe not all those bible verses were directed just at me. Otherwise writing this all up at some ridiculous hour in the morning would feel rather pointless HA. God Bless xo.