It might
sound odd to say that I have learnt more about being a Christian in the past
few weeks than I thought possible. That isn’t because I have read the bible –
to be perfectly honest I haven’t – and it isn’t because I have prayed a lot – I
also haven’t. But it’s because for the first time I have had time to fall for
someone, got my heart broken and let myself feel it.
That might
sound ridiculous but I think I am the type of person who just turns emotion off
and builds up walls, but this gap year was partly to allow myself time to
actually feel. Feel all those things that I didn’t think I have had time for
and boy does it hurt.
Heartbreak
is the most agonising thing I could have imagined. It is worse than a
dislocated shoulder, a dislocated knee, concussion; it is something that
actually physically, emotionally and mentally tears you apart. You feel like
you are going to cry at any moment. Just break into a million pieces.
Heartbreak is not something I ever really want to experience again, but in a way
I do.
So what has
having my heart broken taught me about God? This. The heart is the most
powerful force in our bodies. Yes our brains can think, but you can think and
plan with no success if you have no passion for it. Your heart allows you to
feel, love and actually have the power to do something. Women and men have been
known to lift cars for the love of a child. That is no small amount of power.
Therefore
why do people think that they can quote bible verses, psalms and philosophers
and that will ‘convert’ people? That will show they are the ‘best’ Christian?
Yes the bible is an amazing resource and one which teaches you so much about
God. But those stories you read, they are done by a living, breathing person
whose heart beat. Their heart beat just like you and me. The Pharisees used
verses, they used rules and they used logic, but the people celebrated in the
bible – the disciples, the prostitutes, the people brought back from being
blind/dead/lame. They believed and trusted in their heart. Surely that is meant
to be telling us something.
The other
night I was walking home from a night out. It was cold, it was pitch black and
it had been a very long day. I was in tears and feeling pretty shitty about
everything. I had hurt a friend, hurt myself and gone against everything I believe
in. So in this rather depressed state, I was also scared. It was dark, cold and
deserted. I just said “God help me”. Suddenly I didn’t feel cold, I didn’t feel
alone and it didn’t seem so dark. I felt like someone was hugging me. Whether
that sounds ridiculous to you is fine, but at that moment there was no part of
me that had followed God’s rules. No part of me which had any bible verse to
quote at him. The only thing left for him was my heart and it wasn’t a happy
one.
So what I have learnt about God recently is that your heart
is what he wants. Your heart is the most
powerful part of your body, it is the organ that makes stuff happens. It is the
organ which can cause physical pain. So if you are a Christian who sits there
quoting verses and judging your neighbour, fine, well done on knowing the bible
and trusting in the word. But do you really feel it, really love the God so
much that your body radiates it, do you really love that neighbour? Not because
you are told to love them, not because you want to “save their soul” or change
them so “they don’t go to hell”. Do you love them for who they are, love them
because your heart loves them not your brain or your religious scales, love
them like Jesus would love them? Because at the end of the day that is your
aim. Not ticking off the Christian to do list but to be like him, to love like
him.
