I got my heart broken and learnt about God

It might sound odd to say that I have learnt more about being a Christian in the past few weeks than I thought possible. That isn’t because I have read the bible – to be perfectly honest I haven’t – and it isn’t because I have prayed a lot – I also haven’t. But it’s because for the first time I have had time to fall for someone, got my heart broken and let myself feel it.

That might sound ridiculous but I think I am the type of person who just turns emotion off and builds up walls, but this gap year was partly to allow myself time to actually feel. Feel all those things that I didn’t think I have had time for and boy does it hurt.

Heartbreak is the most agonising thing I could have imagined. It is worse than a dislocated shoulder, a dislocated knee, concussion; it is something that actually physically, emotionally and mentally tears you apart. You feel like you are going to cry at any moment. Just break into a million pieces. Heartbreak is not something I ever really want to experience again, but in a way I do.

So what has having my heart broken taught me about God? This. The heart is the most powerful force in our bodies. Yes our brains can think, but you can think and plan with no success if you have no passion for it. Your heart allows you to feel, love and actually have the power to do something. Women and men have been known to lift cars for the love of a child. That is no small amount of power.

Therefore why do people think that they can quote bible verses, psalms and philosophers and that will ‘convert’ people? That will show they are the ‘best’ Christian? Yes the bible is an amazing resource and one which teaches you so much about God. But those stories you read, they are done by a living, breathing person whose heart beat. Their heart beat just like you and me. The Pharisees used verses, they used rules and they used logic, but the people celebrated in the bible – the disciples, the prostitutes, the people brought back from being blind/dead/lame. They believed and trusted in their heart. Surely that is meant to be telling us something.

The other night I was walking home from a night out. It was cold, it was pitch black and it had been a very long day. I was in tears and feeling pretty shitty about everything. I had hurt a friend, hurt myself and gone against everything I believe in. So in this rather depressed state, I was also scared. It was dark, cold and deserted. I just said “God help me”. Suddenly I didn’t feel cold, I didn’t feel alone and it didn’t seem so dark. I felt like someone was hugging me. Whether that sounds ridiculous to you is fine, but at that moment there was no part of me that had followed God’s rules. No part of me which had any bible verse to quote at him. The only thing left for him was my heart and it wasn’t a happy one.

So what I have learnt about God recently is that your heart is what he wants.  Your heart is the most powerful part of your body, it is the organ that makes stuff happens. It is the organ which can cause physical pain. So if you are a Christian who sits there quoting verses and judging your neighbour, fine, well done on knowing the bible and trusting in the word. But do you really feel it, really love the God so much that your body radiates it, do you really love that neighbour? Not because you are told to love them, not because you want to “save their soul” or change them so “they don’t go to hell”. Do you love them for who they are, love them because your heart loves them not your brain or your religious scales, love them like Jesus would love them? Because at the end of the day that is your aim. Not ticking off the Christian to do list but to be like him, to love like him. 

Falcon Camp: Girls, Gifts and God's presence.

SO I HAVE JUST GOT BACK FROM ONE OF THE MOST WORTHWHILE WEEKS OF MY LIFE. FALCON CAMP. IN SIMPLE WORDS THIS IS 7 DAYS WITH 19 CHILDREN DOING ACTIVITIES SUCH AS GOING TO THE ZOO, CINEMA, SWIMMING AND CRAFTS.

I could say that between trying to pull a girl from whacking her head on a radiator at night or pulling apart a fight; being told you suck at pretty much everything or that you should invest in some make up; trying to survive on 5 hours sleep or trying to do synchronised swimming/piggy in the middle/teaching a girl to swim at the same time, would make it one of the worst and most tiring weeks ever. But that would be a total lie.

Yes it was one of the most tiring weeks of my life, but it was also one of the best. The same girl that was whacking her head, also confided a lot in me. She got so much out of her system. The girl who got in the fight came back to God that week. The girl who told me to invest in make-up, hugged and thanked me two days later. The boy who told me I sucked at everything told me also informed me that I was a lot of fun at the end of the week. These kids were actually incredible and really deserving of every ounce of attention they got.

You also learnt so much about the different skills God has blessed us with. Take the children. One didn’t know how to swim but was willing to try and got it so quickly. Another was so brave and had the best laugh I have ever heard. Another girl was so caring, a boy would smile at anything, and another was a great cricketer.

Then take the leaders. You have those amazing at sport. Those good at drama. Those willing to really make an absolute idiot of themselves. Those who are the nicest people you will ever meet, then again that was everyone.

So what I am trying to say is that God blessed me last week with reminding me how amazing he is. What an incredible creator he is.

But most of all he blessed me by being there. If God hadn’t decided to give me patience or the imagination to come up with the most random bedtime stories each night I would have been totally screwed. If he hadn’t given me the right words to say to crying teenage girls then I would have been totally useless. If he hadn’t given me the endurance to go from one child’s problem to the next then I would have felt like I was failing both the children and him. Instead God stood by me through every moment and was there to comfort me at the end of the day. Most of all he blessed me with an incredible fellow team – leaders who could give advice and most of all leaders who could give me a hug.

So next year find a camp near you, because even when you get beaten in an arm wrestle by a 12 year old, their smile and sense of self-achievement makes it worth it. 

Realising the Big G is everywhere.

Do you ever feel like you have found something perfect? Somewhere perfect, even.

Somewhere where you fit in. Somewhere where people listen to your view. Somewhere where you make friends for life within just a few months. Somewhere you couldn’t imagine leaving.

This was Kingsgate for me. To date it must be my favourite church I have ever stepped into. It is fun. It is lively. It is ambitious. Three things you want to see in a church.

This is not to say that I have not been blessed with a lot of amazing churches. St Marys in Leamington was the church I was born into. It was an incredible place to spend my six youngest years. I then moved to St Marks which I finally felt part of when I reached thirteen. It was somewhere to escape to and somewhere which allowed me to push the boundaries of my faith. When I moved to Cambridge, HT became the church I could most call home. Their womens afternoons were amazing. The student workers were incredible, not to mention the students. The students were there for me when during second year life got really tough. They were there so much that it really touched me.

But it was only when I got to Kingsgate I felt like I had found home. Partly I think it was because it was so much smaller. It was easy to get stuck in. It was easy to do things. It was easy to dream. But most of all I think it was because God was so alive. People spoke in tongues, people were healed, people had prophecies. These were things which hadn’t seemed possible before but at Kingsgate they were open to all.

The point of this column is not I LOVE KINGSGATE, but how we can start to rely on a certain place. I had started to rely on Kingsgate to make me feel alive. You couldn’t help but want more. You couldn’t help but be inspired.

It was two weeks ago that I realised this. I was at a planning meeting for Falcon camp and I could just feel God there. It was like he was watching over us and saying YEHHHHH BUDDY. That night I was at St Marks and suddenly thought YES. The feeling was back.

While we can feel like we can only get this incredible feeling from being with a certain group of people, a certain place – that isn’t true. Yes people can inspire you, people can challenge you, but that feeling – or that power – that is God.

God is everywhere and if like me you are currently moving home or moving town – I think that is something very important to hold on to.

So to all the people I have come across over the years – at Kingsgate, at HT, at St Marys, at St Marks – THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALL. Not as much as the Big G but you know what I mean ;) 

What it feels like to run away from God - according to Passenger.

So this blog is based on ‘Let her Go’ by Passenger. It is about deciding to leave God, the times I have been away and why it always feels better when you go back.

At Life Group on Tuesday I used an example of being a child on one of those baby reigns. You keep running away and then getting pulled back. Only when you’re back and picked up by your Mum do you realise what you were missing. The hug feels so good. As you grow up you realise that when you were pulled back was because you were going towards dangerous things – the road, the sea, some crazy dog.

I think that is what it is like with God. We want to try new things, we want to explore the world and he pulls us back, and as we grow in him we start to understand why.

The first verse of ‘Let it Go’ is:

Well, you only need the light when it's burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.

When everything is going great and life feels like a constant sunny day, then we don’t seem to rely on God as much. We don’t seem to need him as such. It is only when things start going wrong that you realise you have shut him out, that he isn’t there. To be honest, even when you know things are going wrong but there are other ways to go you can often ignore it too.

Take my fresher’s Lent term, I totally rebelled against pretty much everything he stood for. Not intentionally: I was rebounding and then I was trying to forget something. The thing is the only person I really hurt was myself, and the people who were around me. I gave an impression of someone who was totally not me. When I went to church that Easter I couldn’t sing, it just didn’t feel right. I hadn’t even realised but I had taken that baby reign and thrown it out. I was a child running right into that fast traffic and not realising. When I look back now and I realise how much easier that time would have been with God. Yes he can disapprove of some things but he is also great.

I think that I could write forever on how great it is to find your way back, how great it is to have God again, but that isn’t really the point. The thing is that yes that time I went running off, but other times we wander. I wander pretty much every day. Whether it is not helping the homeless man on the street, getting stressy at the person in front of me in the Sainsburys queue or saying something I shouldn’t have, I am challenging God. I am challenging him when I look in the mirror for too long, when I think how cute the guy in front of me is, or I spend time procrastinating on Facebook. All these things are wanders but they are just easier to come back from. Which is good because the feeling when I couldn’t sing that day was the worst feeling I have ever had, and not one I would ever want to repeat.

And if you are still wondering why to bother coming back – take this verse of ‘Staring at the Stars’:

“And all our girlfriends are long gone
We watch too much internet porn
Who needs love
When you've got silicone and strap ons”

I never want to be the person watching the imitation, or accepting the fake love out there, I want the real thing. However many times I wander off and have to find my way back. Loves and hugs xx

Doing midnight worship might not only annoy the neighbours, it also hurts my brain ...

So tonight was amazing, when I finally made it back to college after a very diverted walk home, it was making it on for midnight, which is far past my exam-term bed time. But I thought I would do some work, which quickly turned to worship, and the discovery of this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vhso5lB0h6E

So when you decide worship is more important than sleep, a lot of things seem to happen, but I am pretty sure some of them weren’t meant just for me.

So after a rather intense few hours of writing, praying and God answering a prayer right in front of my eyes (come on), he directed me to three bible verses. Two of which really linked to some of the things I was discussing with people about last night. So, as they seem to explain stuff to me and convince me of quite a few things, I thought it might be good to share them.  

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Firstly (well it was the second one but you get me): Thessalonians 1: 2-10.

From verse 3: “We continually recall before God our father the things you have done because of your faith and the work you have done because of your love. And we thank him that you continue to be strong because of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Brother and sisters, God loves you, and we know he has chosen you, because the Good News we brought to you came not only with words, but with power, with the Holy Spirit and with sure knowledge that it is true. Also you know how we lived when we were with you in order to help you. And you became like us and like the Lord. You suffered much, but still you accepted the teaching with the joy that comes from the Holy Spirit. So you became an example to all the believers..”

I think this is now one of my favourite chapters in the bible. I think it is really powerful for all growing Christians, not only for me, but I can see bits relevant to so many of the people (including myself) I have spoken to tonight.

So I focused in on four particular sections:

Firstly I think that when you see someone remain strong in Christ it is really inspiring, it also what we aspire to do. It is so hard to put God above all our pain and stress at big things, or other little things like exam term, but if we can trust and remain in God then life is so much better and we can strive to do so much more.  

Secondly, I must have spent hours talking to a really amazing girl yesterday about how we were both searching for love in Christ. You can have so much love from him but sometimes something is missing, and we were speculating what that was. Now the rest of that conversation will stay private but a reminder that he loves you is never a bad thing for either of us, or any of you, because hey he does love every one of us like crazy.

Thirdly, the power of the Holy Spirit is absolutely amazing. Last night he was working like crazy in the service and in the prayer, it was absolutely insane to watch. I don’t know if many of you have been asked “how do you know it is all true?” and I think this can tell us why. It is true because we can feel the Holy Spirit in it, and we can just pray that other people can feel that too.

Finally, a lot of people I know at church have suffered a lot, yet they look so happy while worshipping, which is really cool. So whether the suffering is really big things, or just quite small problems that crop up, finding the Holy Spirit is a sure way to bring a smile to your face and strength to your heart. It is also what we hope can come to those of our friends who are really struggling right now in situations far out of our depth, so this felt like a pretty cool direction for prayer.

So that verse provided me with a lot of comfort, but I also think it can provide a lot of comfort and inspiration for a lot of us out there.

And finally: Philippians: 3: 13-21:

“I do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it and to make it mine. … there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining towards what is ahead. I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me through Christ to the life above. All of us who are spiritually mature should think this way too. And if there are things you do not agree with, God will make them clear to you. But we should continue following the truth we already have. … But our homeland is heaven, and we are waiting for our Saviour..”  

Now in the service today I realised the importance of living in the present, and to try and stop dreaming about plans God may have for me. But this has reminded me to also stop living in the past. As well as being a dreamer, I am also a massive hoarder, so that is pretty good advice.

It is also really hard in our lives to forget human desires and truly focus on living to get to heaven. However much we want to do this, there will always be those temptations surrounding us. This was another topic of conversation tonight and this is truly a verse which just reminds us why this is so important. It also says God will explain why certain things are so important, so whatever the things that are troubling us that is really comforting.

I also think, as linked to the last blog, this is just a reminder that even the spiritually mature are still not perfect. Everyone is on a long journey to heaven and they will have good days, and bad days with God.

While talking about this yesterday, I used an analogy to try and explain my rather jumbled brain. I am not sure if it is spiritually accurate, and I do believe in unity with Christian friends but: If you were in a relationship with a boy, and someone sat in on every date it wouldn’t be okay. If that person then continued to analyse every part of your relationship and to tell you what you were doing right or wrong, that wouldn’t be cool. So why do we think it is with God? Yes we can provide advice but our relationship with God is private and unique (hence the very small proportion shared in this), and not to be compared with others.

Now I am almost certain that this verse wasn't meant for me alone, and I am also pretty sure that the sections I took from it aren’t exactly what suits to others. So I really hope someone out there has got something else from this.  

Finally (really finally), I think that it is really important to look outside Christian-specific stuff for inspiration, and this song came up in a totally non-Christian natter yesterday, but then I realised it is actually a REALLY COOL COMING TO GOD SONG. I am sorry if I have missed an inappropriate lyric somewhere but I think it is AWESOME, I also love Rudimental so that probably helps:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M97vR2V4vTs

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So last night’s worship session was beyond intense and some prayer to understand and follow the other stuff he threw would be amazing, but I hope that I was right in thinking that maybe not all those bible verses were directed just at me. Otherwise writing this all up at some ridiculous hour in the morning would feel rather pointless HA. God Bless xo. 

I haven't got it down, not even close -- why comparing yourself to others isn't the way to go.

I recently wrote a testimony for my friend Mike. It was basically the post about the waterfall. I re-read through it today and though "how was I that with it?". 

Right now I feel like I have lost my sea legs and my life is an ocean. Life is rocky to say the least. Stress is my main feeling and stuff feels tough (woo I rhyme). 

The thing is that I have been trying to hold on to that feeling of a couple of weeks ago when I felt love and peace. I still feel love. Today my day went from bad to worse. I asked some people to pray for me and it suddenly felt better, well more manageable anyway. 

I suppose what I am trying to say is that when I read that testimony I thought it made me sound like I have got it down. I know what I am doing, which isn't exactly the case. 

Every time I talk to a Christian, and even a non-Christian friend, they give me advice. I live off this advice. The advice to take some time out, or the prayers they can give. They always seem so much more developed. 

I think what worries me is that someone said that to me, they said I seemed like I had it down. I was shocked, but also worried. 

If we spend all our time comparing ourselves to each other then we haven't really got our priorities right. It is one of my main things: there is a guy who sounds like he is speaking the word of God with every word, there is another one who can heal people, there is a girl who seemed so pure, another who inspired me, a girl who felt on fire... All of these people are amazing, they are all so in touch with God, well they seem so to me.

But comparing myself to them isn't going to help. Yes they can inspire me to improve, to spend more time in prayer, but everyone does the God thing their own way. 

I think this really hit home with that testimony, because I must have written that on a really good day. 
Yes, if I wrote one today I would still talk about BFF Jesus, and the love, the singing etc etc, but maybe I would mention the perpetual cycle of sin. The fact that my head is always full of an argument for and against that sin. "But it would be fun" vs "Hello SIN SIN SIN". That stuff didn't come across and I thought maybe that part is a bit important. I haven't got it down. Far from it. I might have figured out another piece in the jigsaw, but I probably lost a few more this week. 

I think now I understand when these people have looked at me and laughed when I say I find them inspiring, because though I publicise my mistakes, they probably have some skeletons around too. 

In summary of this rather ridiculous ramble: I think when God says fellowship and the big word UNITY, what he is trying to say is SUPPORT! We are meant to support and inspire one another, we are meant to be there when the world is getting tough, we are meant to draw us nearer to him through each other. It isn't a competition of who can closest to God. That would just be a bit silly. 

No you are not better than anyone else, you just got lucky.

 Have you ever met a judgemental Christian? They are my pet hate. They seriously annoy me. I just think if someone judges others then they are not exactly acting like Jesus. Jesus helped prostitutes. He helped criminals. It was the Pharisees that he left well alone. They were the ones who killed him.

I think one mistake it is easy to make is to think that all Non-Christian things are Non-Christian.

Take music for example. Of course worship music is Christian but so are other songs. I can only get Radio 1 in the shower and at first I was annoyed. Then I started listening. Of course 'I just had sex' or 'S & M' aren't exactly holy in nature. But try listening to other songs and you will find the majority seem full of Christian messages.

Take films. I went to see Noah yesterday and that has been called blasphemous by Muslims. So yes maybe fallen angels aren't stuck in rock. Maybe they aren't meant to be visible, but it sure was refreshing that angels were feared in a film. The film started with Bible verses. It took you through the range of emotions the Bible does. It filled you with respect for God's mighty power. When I walked out that film I was in shock. It was so religious and that is what the people I went with commented on. No one expected, especially with the reviews, for it to feel like you had just stepped into the bible. So it might be Hollywood but go and see it.

You can't protect yourself by hiding away. That isn't what God wants. You can't spend your life thinking of yourself as better as saved. That is arrogance. You are not.God is what's is better and the only way to spread his word is to get out there and show your kindness, show that you don't judge. People aren't going to come to God if Christians don't seem relatable and in touch. I think that is a very important thing.

We may live in a world full of sin. We may have porn. We may have plastic surgery. We may have hunting. Noah depicts this and so does the media around us. But the majority of people live a Christian life even without God. They do not kill. They try not to be jealous. They don't cheat. Quite a few probably sin less than us. So no we are not better. We should not hide away from temptation. We have been blessed with God's presence so we are lucky. But he has sent us to show his love to the world. Not by forcing it down people's throats or telling people they are going to hell. But by loving our neighbour and helping the world to not live in sin.

How the trickle became the waterfall..

This is a testimony of the past two weeks (with a little bit before thrown in) and is basically a rewriting of the one below. But I prefer it and it is what I felt like writing tonight so hey:

Before an amazing guy called Mike took me to his church I would have said I was good with God. I loved him, he loved me. Simples. But now I realise that was a trickle – what I have now is a waterfall.  

I loved ‘God the Father’, he has protected me since before I was born. I don’t honestly think I would be standing here today without him. I loved ‘God the Holy Spirit’, he was the fire inside of me. He sent me on a mission to protect the people I love. To live to help other people. To be the best I could possibly be. But in the last few years I had started to hate ‘Jesus the Son’ and I didn’t even realise. In teaching me to forgive, he had become burdened with so much physical and mental pain that I hated him. This was pain that wasn’t his to bare. It was ‘that’ man, or ‘that’ boys pain, not Jesus’. Not the man who had died on a cross to forgive my sins. It was completely ridiculous for me to hate him but I did. I hated him to the point I screamed to the sky on our Weekend Away, but he just replied with one thing: love.  

From that moment he gave up whispering and started shouting. He gave me instructions so loud they could not be ignored. He answered my prayers for others. He forced me on to my knees with no option of standing. He performed miracles in my life. He provided me with the most amazing friends in Christ. He provided me with amazing friends in Christ who text for advice, prayer or a catch up every day. He let me speak in (baby) tongues. He made his words come alive. He has just set my world on fire.

Before God was carrying me, he was protecting me as I tried to protect the people around me. He was my guardian. But now I am free. Now instead of carrying me, he is holding my hand. Holding my hand as I walk with him, wherever that might be.

God is not just my father any more, he is my best friend. He is the constant dialogue in my head: whether it is advice, begging (on my part) or just nattering about the weather, it doesn’t stop and I love it. He is the one who will give me a hug when the day has been hard. He is the man I dance around the house with when the day has been good. He is the one who has me laughing down the street or walking around with a scary smile on my face. Jesus the Man was what was missing in my life, and I didn’t even realise. Thanks be to God. 

Trying to improve.

Colossians 3 (5-12)

5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11 Here there is no Gentile or Jew,circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

This is my challenge at the moment. I live in a world where as much as I try to help others and be a good person, I still sin. I can sin so easily when I walk past a shop, meet up with friends or go out clubbing. Despite this I don't want to stop doing these things as if I stop doing these things how can I be close to people, how can I show them how God has made me? 

This blog is going to be about how I am trying to combine living as a student with being a Christian. The challenges, the feelings and the hopes that I have. I know that God has the right plan for me. If I am angry then I can do things that hurt the people around me. If I lust after people then I can hurt myself and make mistakes involving sexual immorality. So I pray to God to help me and to help me to improve myself, to be better for him.