Two and a half years ago I fell ill. Since then I have been diagnosed with Malaria, Glandular Fever, Reactive Hypoglycaemia, Ehlers-Danlos and Lyme Disease. The doctor is still searching for a root cause.
The issue is that this has left me with debilitating fatigue, pain and constant illness. But how many of friends know and understand this?
Two and a half years ago, I was planning to travel South America, loved clubbing, was constantly in the gym or pool and planning a career in law, banking, NGO etc. The majority of friends I have are from this time - the high energy, bounce back Elly.
Social Media has been a blessing and a curse. In some ways it has allowed me to stay in touch with people and access support services. But on the other side it sees my peers continue to achieve the things that I dream of, it can give me serious FOMO and feel left out, finally it raises a question of should I be honest?
The first year of my illness I tried to downplay it. After contracting Lyme disease that has become harder and harder. I tried forming a separate social media identity to access the support without having to voice my illness or sufferings.
I didn't want to that girl who seems to be moaning or airing her dirty laundry in public - to be honest who really cares - but then if I can't talk about it how can I expect my friends to understand. I am not very good at voicing my needs to say the least.
For my friends they have achieved incredible things in the past three years. They have gained degrees and qualifications, they have got promotions, some have qualified as doctors, vets, accountants and lawyers. I am unbelievably proud of each persons achievements. I however feel like I have barely moved forward. While people post photos of accomplishments and travels, I feel as if I am constantly trying to keep up.
I then have to remind myself while they are achieving things which come with a certificate or a pay check, I have managed to get over to major leg injuries, various illnesses and still manage to keep going, keep striving for actual recovery. I like to think that might make my friends and family proud to.
So I have decided - on the 1st September this year - to actually try blending the side of me which is ill and suffering, with the side of me which is not.
I still dream of being active - of climbing Everest, swimming vast distances, trekking through the Amazon (I would start with being able to walk into town); I still dream of a career in diplomacy, law or NGO work (and still as undecided as ever); I still dream of travelling round South America, India and China; I still dream of moving back to Uganda; I still dream of going to Glastonbury; I still dream of using all that ambition, diligence and charisma that used to define me. All of these parts of me are still there, albeit a bit more weathered and mature like the rest of you.
When I get an ounce of energy I am constantly trying to use it to do something fun whether that's camping or London or seeing friends, albeit most of these will result with days not leaving the house afterwards, but they also result with smiles, memories and a sense of achievement. Though, to be honest, most of my adventures are to bed or the hospital.
So I hope that my friends who follow me on social media can see that if they get bored of posts of illness that one day they might just get a message off me asking if they want to jump on a plane or grab a bite after a swim; but till then you are all just as welcome to come stay, or go get a coffee, or tell me to get in touch when I am next in London. As it is not just the fear of my youth passing me by without me being able to do the things I dream of, it is also the fear that when I am able all those who I have held dear over the years will have moved on and I will have just faded into a distant memory of teens and uni, nightclubs and bars - rather than made the transformation to a friend situated in the present realm of adventures and brunch.
So here's to honesty paying off, a hearty apology for being your new boring friend, and also cheer to new friends, old friends and making social media a healthy place. Xx
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